


The Things Paladins Say

by TheLanceShow



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Humor, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Lance (Voltron) is a Mess, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Vines
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-26
Updated: 2018-01-26
Packaged: 2019-03-09 04:30:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13473735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheLanceShow/pseuds/TheLanceShow
Summary: Literally dialogue of a bunch of Vines and how the Paladins would fit into them.





	The Things Paladins Say

**Author's Note:**

> Lemme get a Mick Pick 2

Lance gets hit in the back of the head with a screw. Pidge snickers as he mumbles something under his breath.

"Whatchu say?"

"I _said_ , whoever threw that screw, your mom's a _hoe!"_

○○○

Keith walks in on the tail end of a conversation.

Shiro finishes, "--so I'm sitting there, barbeque sauce on my titties--"

Lance lets out a god awful snort, then falls to the ground laughing.

●●●

"Anyone ever told you you look like Josh Keaton from Earth?" Allura asks Shiro. His eyes continue roaming the shelves of the kitchen.

"Nah, they usually tell me I look like Takashi."

"Who the quiznak is that?"

"Me, nig--"

□□□

"Alfor," Pidge calls. Hunk watches her walk up and down the hallway. "Alfor. Alfor!" A beat of silence. "Oh my fuckin' God, he fuckin' dead."

"Forgot, huh?"

"Whoops."

■■■

Keith rushes into the room, a knife poised. He aims it at Lance, sprinting towards him. Lance jumps a bit before composing himself. "You ready to fucking die?!"

"Wha--I'm a bad bitch, you can't kill me."

_"...Bi--!"_

♤♤♤

Shiro's feet make slap-happy sounds as he stands to walk in front of Lance. Once there, Lance smiles up at him.

"Daddy?"

A brief silence.

"Do I _look_ like--"

♡♡♡

Lance grunts as he's pushed into a shelf. A bag of make-shift corn chips fall and he just manages to catch them.

"Hurricane Katrina? More like hurricane tor-til-a!"

◇◇◇

"Keith, come to the living room. I have something for you."

Hunk smiles down at his newest creation. An almost fluffy replica of a tunafish sandwich.

Keith enters the room before cooing, "Is that a chicken?"

♧♧♧

"On all levels except physical, I am a robot," Pidge tells Allura.

Lance shakes his head in disappointment when Pidge makes the Windows start up noise aggressively at the princess.

☆☆☆

"Oh my God, Lance, you can't just--"

Lance turns to Shiro. "Excuse my potty mouth." He rounds on Keith. "Shut the _fuck_ up!"

¤¤¤

"I'm just chillin', in Cedar Rapids."

(No context)

○○○

"Pidge, shut up, you're like, two."

"I love how people are telling me I'm like, two, nine years old..." Pidge drawls. "I'm eleven, so shut the fuck up."

●●●

Electronic music blares over the intercom. Lance's voice echoes through the castle.

"Is there anything better than pussy," he raps. "Yes, a really good book."

□□□

Keith watches over Hunk's shoulder. The goo he's mixing is making odd, squishy noises.

"That's what good pussy sounds like," he snickers. 

"Keith!" Hunk turns, face aghast.

"Not like he would even know!" Lance hollers from across the room. "'Cause, you know! He's gay!"

"Fucking charred!" Shiro says, then the sound of a high-five.

■■■

"There is only one thing worst than a rapist," Hunk states. He taps his tablet and the word _child_ pops up above the word _rapist_. "Boom."

Keith stares at the screen, obviously having an epiphany.

"A child."

"No--"

♤♤♤

Lance is singing over the coms in their lions. Hunk is off in the background, laughing. In a perfect Kermit impression, Lance pushes on.

"Shawty, I don't. _Mind!"_

♡♡♡

Pidge rests her arm on Allura's. "Hey, I'm lesbian."

"I thought you were American."

◇◇◇

Coran and Lance have records of Pidge repeating, high out of space, "I smell like bweef."

♧♧♧

Shiro holds the fork in his left hand as if it's a guitar. He strums, a discordant sound of metal on metal. Then, points to Lance.

"I love you, bitch."

"Oh my God," Lance mutters, hiding his smile behind his hand.

"I ain't never gon stop lovin' you, _bitch."_

☆☆☆

Shiro glowers at Keith with a sharp frown.

"Okay, you know what, that's it. You're grounded. Get up there!"

Keith is half-way on top of the fridge when he screams, "This house is a _fucking_ _nightmare!"_

¤¤¤

"I want a church girl that go to church, and read her bible."

Lance, whenever an alien tries to flirt with him.

○○○

"Hey, how much GAC do you have?" Lance asks Keith.

"Oh, like, 69 cents."

"Uhp, you know what that means!" Lance grins.

Keith whispers, voice thick and eyes wet, "I don't have enough money for chicken nuggets."

●●●

Lance and Shiro have their eyes closed, sitting close and pressing their foreheads together with soft smiles.

Pidge enters the room. "What the fuck?" She points at them, to Hunk, then back. "Is this allowed? Whay the fuck? Is that allowed?"

Lance pulls away and glares at Pidge. "Stop."

□□□

Lance, rubbing his face on Shiro's crotch, "You are my daaaad..."

"Wh-"

" _You're my dad_! BOOGIE WOOGIE WOOGIE!"

■■■

Allura says, voice informative, "We actually have a chip reader now--"

Lance, with sunglasses low on his nose. "Oh, yeah?" He pulls out a tortilla chip, holds it near the tablet. "Hmm."

"Oh, it's not gonna work with that kind of chip--"

It beeps, and Macintosh Plus music blasts all over the castle. Allura stares in horror.

♤♤♤

Lance sits next to Hunk, whom is filming. He's playing an Altean keyboard that sounds exactly like an Earthen one.

"Go suck a dick, suck a dick, suck a mother fucking dick--!"

"Suck a dick, suck a huge or small di--"

♡♡♡

"You can't sit with us," Lance snarls.

Keith looks vaguely offended. "Actually, Lance, I can't sit anywhere. I have--" Keith spins on his heel, "--hemorrhoids."

◇◇◇

"The fuck, the fuck? There's white shit in the air. The fuck? There's white shit everywhere."

(Lance, when he first saw snow)

♧♧♧

"Hey, Lance. You okay?"

"Oh hi, thanks for checking in, I'm **_still a piece of garbage._** "

☆☆☆

"Go ahead and introduce yourself."

"My name is Hunk with a B, and I've been afraid of insects my--"

"Stop, stop, stop. Where?"

"Huh?"

"Where's the B?"

_"THERE'S A BEE?"_

¤¤¤

Keith opens his jacket, nudges Lance. "Hey, kid. Want some blades?"

"Blades are for skatin'!" In the span of a second, Lance's shoes change into roller blades. He leans in close and outs his hands on Keith's shoulders. "Ya dingus."

He skates down the halls and Keith can't help but think _, I should stop snorting cayenne pepper._

**Author's Note:**

> Ba duh duh dah dahh, i hate myself
> 
> *looks at date*
> 
> HOLY FUCK Y'ALL IT'S BEEN FOREVER SINCE I LAST WROTE A CHAPTER OF ANYTHING??


End file.
